Coaching Blog

When You're Too Overwhelmed for One More Self-Care Tip

Posted by Julia Stewart

Overwhelmed and working from home

Folks like me wrote a lot of self-care posts at the start of the pandemic, hoping they might be helpful.

But as we enter year three of this, self-care is sounding a little like a bad joke. Who has the energy?

When your overwhelm starts feeling over done and you're getting a little extra-crispy around the edges, you're may be sliding into burnout. This is the time when less is more. Read on, please...

Burn-out is officially recognized as a syndrome that occurs because of poor work conditions.

It's characterized by physical and emotional exhaustion and difficulty getting work done. But now that work occurs practically everywhere, we might as well recognize that burnout can occur because of multiple causes. If you feel apathetic, cynical, resentful, or irritable, and this isn't your usual mindset, it's not you, it's your circumstances. Time to unwind...

 

1. If you are overwhelmed, exhausted, or burned out, you don't have the energy or focus to get anything done right now. So put away the phone, the laptop, the to-do list and just stare into space for a few minutes.

While you are staring, replace your worries with the truth. Tell yourself, "This won't last forever." Because nothing lasts forever. You might want to make this your mantra, for a while.

The world, your job, your family, you, will all be okay if you check out for a bit. Really.

Burnout happens because your stress levels have been elevated too long. Your energy is depleted, but you don't have enough control over your circumstances to relax. The good news is that you can begin restoring one moment at a time even if circumstances don't improve.

That gives you some freedom and control again.

Those moments raise your levels of calming neurotransmitters/hormones, which can counteract the stressful ones. That's all you need to get started.

 

2. Another almost effortless tool that you can do anywhere is what I call One Deep Delicious Breath. Breathe in slowly (preferably through your nose) and exhale just as slowly. If it feels good, do more than one breath like this. Relaxed breathing is one of the most effective ways to lower stress and you're breathing anyway, so why not make it a restorative breath?

 

3. Next is what I call my Breast Pocket Relief. It's a variation on Professor Jim Hickman's Back Pocket Positivity, which is about wiring your brain for greater positivity by collecting positive memories, savoring them for at least ten seconds at a time, repeating daily, and saving them metaphorically in your back pocket so you can enjoy them anytime.

I'm a firm believer that even adults sometimes need their Mommy. My Breast Pocket Relief memory is about a time when my Mommy really came through for me. I was four years old, disobeyed my Mom and long-story short, I got lost. I was so terrified I started wailing. Some bigger kids found me and took me to my Mom. Instead of punishing me, she sat down in a rocking chair. put me on her lap, even though I was a little old to sit on her lap, and rocked me until I stopped crying. This was a moment of perfect love: I was forgiven, comforted, and made whole again. I imagine keeping it in my breast pocket, near my heart, and take it out whenever I am feeling undone.

 

When was a moment when you were well loved?

 

Sometimes we have trouble remembering emotions vividly, but art, especially music, can help. Here's a beautiful song, Grandma's Hands, by Bill Withers, that might help:

 

 

4. Of course, hugging a loved one can be a tremendous help for you both, even if it's your dog or cat. If they are too far away, gazing at a picture of them can make a difference, because love fills us with oxytocin, the "love hormone". When we have more oxytocin in our systems we naturally have less cortisol, the stress hormone that makes some people sick.

 

Key Point: All of these approaches require little or no time or effort, but they do incrementally add to your  restoration. The benefits increase with daily repetition. For best results, practice them a few times per day. Most people feel like themselves again, surprisingly fast.

 

If all of this is too much, maybe just looking at this picture of a little girl hugging a puppy will be helpful:

 

Little girl hugging a puppyWe all get a little undone sometimes. Fortunately, we don't have to stay there, If you're looking for more self-care articles, here are some, below. Too soon? Never mind.

 

Manage Stress and Promote Mental Well-being with the Daily Seven

10 Questions to Help You Thrive Through the Pandemic

2020 Stole Your Life. Here's How to Get it Back.

 

 

 

Topics: positivity, self care, pandemic

The Trouble with Empathy

Posted by Julia Stewart

Coaching and Empathy

We live in an age when empathy is extolled as a virtue.

 

And so it is. Without empathy in the world, all our relationships would be transactional. Our need for love and belonging could never be met. Kindness and social intelligence would be nonexistent. No one would have a  sincere desire to help and meanness would reign, instead.

 

Not pretty.

 

Many personal growth programs offer to help you develop more empathy. And that's good. But have you thought about how much is enough? Can you ever have too much? How do you know if you have the right amount of empathy? And once you do have enough, how do you manage it?

Please read on...

So what is empathy, exactly? There are three major types:

 

  1. Cognitive Empathy: Basically, you know what others feel. You understand and can imagine what someone else has experienced, both positive and negative.
  2. Emotional Empathy: You feel what others feel. This occurs, in the moment, mainly when you are physically with someone or are talking by telephone, but you may continue to carry those feelings even after the interaction.
  3. Compassionate Empathy: You want others to feel better. This is empathy + a desire to help + action. When you understand or feel a need that another is experiencing, you want to help, and you do.

 

Which types of empathy do you need to coach effectively?

 

Cognitive empathy can help a coach perform the skills of coaching. But without emotional and compassionate empathy, the coach may be more likely to manipulate their clients, by directing or controlling, or may simply be unmotivated to coach.

Compassionate empathy does motivate coaches. But they need to practice discipline in the ways they help. If they also have cognitive empathy, that can help them imagine how their help will impact clients in the longrun. Will they become relient on the coach or will they grow? If the coach creates dependency in the client, that's good for the coach's ego but not for the client. Because no one reaches their full potential if they need someone else as a crutch.

Emotional empathy is, literally, at the heart of great coaching. Without it, many advanced coaching skills taught in coaching schools like this one, will make no sense to the learner. But coaches with emotional empathy need to develop the ability to distinguish their own emotions from those they pick up from others. Cognitive empathy can help with that, but it takes effort.

 

So what's the trouble with empathy?

 

Western culture, with its emphasis on independence, seems to encourage less and less empathy. Social media has been found to excelerate this. And psychologists tell us that leadership and success both tend to diminish a person's levels of empathy. The result is a culture that is increasingly manipulative and often mean. So more empathy might be the answer, but that's only half the problem.

Some people are born with a higher capacity for emotional empathy. But until they develop self-awareness and self-management skills, they may just experience chaos, especially when around others who are highly-emotional.

 

Living with high emotional empathy is like riding a wild bronco until we develop emotional intelligence.

 

When I was a little girl, I tried to ride my grandmother's horse, Danny, but he tried to buck me off. Within seconds, with both feet out of the stirrups, I was perilously close to being trampled as I hung off the side of the bucking horse, with just one little hand gripping the saddlehorn. Seeing what was about to happen, my grandmother ran out, grabbed the reins, and calmed Danny down. And yes, she made me get right back up on the horse and ride him around the corral again, so I wouldn't develop a fear of horses.

 

My grandmother's courage, calm, and skill saved my life that day.

 

So that's the problem with empathy and also the answer. When we have too little, or only one type, we tend to treat people unkindly. When we use it in an unskilled manner, we can harm people without meaning to. And when we have too much empathy with too little management, we're out of control. Other people can get hurt, and we are prone to trauma, depression, and anxiety.

 

If you have high levels of empathy, especially emotional empathy, and you develop the courage, calm, and skill to manage it, you have the raw material to become a great coach.

 

In addition to managing yourself, learn manage your environment so you can be at your very best. Develop your courage to set boundaries, your calm with self-care, and your skill at getting your needs met.

 

A great coach can help clients develop and manage their empathy.

 

The upcoming course on Values, Needs, and Strengths (the three most important subjects in coaching); will help you develop and manage those skills and abilities.

 

But get started with the FREE Become a Coach eBook:

 

Get a free Become a Coach eBook here.

 

 

PS: I still love horses.

 

Topics: become a life coach, Master Certified Coach, coaching schools, coaching skills, coaching call, Strengths, Needs, Values, setting boundaries, highly sensitive, self care, Empaths, empathy

Radical Self-Care for Highly Sensitive Coaches

Posted by Julia Stewart

Self-Care for Highly Sensitive Coaches

Self-care is part of the job description for coaches.

Unfortunately, self-care has become a bit of a cliche: about getting a massage, taking a yoga class, or eating kale. The truth is, self-care is whatever restores and strengthens you and it can take any form that works for you.

It takes discipline to practice self-care consistently. When you do so, you are able to be your best every day regardless what else happens. That means, if you're a coach, you coach more effectively.

That's especially true if you are a Highly Sentive Person (aka HSP or Empath). The wiring of an HSP is perfect for coaching when it is well cared for. You have a super power that needs nurturing.  That's what you're doing when you practice self-care and personal development. Otherwise, you may experience meltdowns and could show up like a super villain, instead of a super hero, to those around you.

Self-care is anything but selfish, especially for highly sensitive coaches.

Read on for information on highly sensitive coaches, the traits that make them desirable, tests to see if you are highly sensitive, and a free class on radical self-care for highly sensitive coaches...

HSPs/Empaths tend to have many of the qualities that are most prized in coaching. The following are estimates of percentages of HSPs who share the following qualities. (Source: Esther Bergsma, 2019)*.

  • Empathy (85%)
  • Strong Intuition (79%)
  • Good Listener (78%)
  • Open Minded (76%)
  • Caring (76%)
  • Creative Thinking (70%)
  • Able to See the Big Picture (69%)
  • Sense of Humor (65%)

If you are strong on most of the above, you may be wired to be a great coach. If you also have the discipline to care for, nurture, and even enhance those abilities, you may be cut out to be a professional coach.

 

If you are curious whether you are an HSP:

Take this short test, or this longer one, or take this more in-depth test.

 

So how do you care for the finely-tuned nervous system of a highly sensitive coach?

 

Look for your current level of care and ask whether it is enough for you to be at your best, every day. If not, what people, places, or things put you out of balance? You might want to carry a journal and make note whenever something annoys you, stresses you, or wears you out. Then ask yourself 10 ways to change each of those items so they don't sap your energy, anymore. Don't worry, at first, if any of those solutions are possible. If you keep an open mind, a few doable solutions will rise to the top.

 

Also take a look at your internal environment. As a highly senstive coach, you take in more information than others. That's a brilliant benefit to coaching. It can also overwhelm your system. You also likely have stronger emotions. Emotions are your body/mind's communication system. Yours is more acute and that also benefits your coaching. But strong emotions need management. Otherwise, they create chaos as well as conflict with others. What habits or processes can help you manage your intensity? If you are overhwelmed, how will you work in calming breaks? If your emotions are unruly, how will you develop more emotional literacy?

 

Another great way to do this is to discover your Needs and learn to get them met. A key to meeting Needs is to apply your Strengths. Certified Positive Psychology Coaches do this with their clients but it is important to do it with ourselves, first. Otherwise, it's impossible to understand. Even coaches need coaches for this type of assistance. Our positive psychology coaching students learn to do this with their clients and you can find a coach who can help you here.

 

Or Learn about Radical Self Care for Highly Sensitive Coaches in this free class.

 

Radical self-care for highly sensitive coaches is like tuning up a fine Italian sports car before taking an epic drive through the Italian Alps. Otherwise, you might end up stuck by the side of the road, or worse. Do take that epic life adventure! But first take time to take care of yourself. You'll enjoy more awe, more thrills, more gratitude, more togetherness, more joy. And so will those around you!

 

Ready to be your best so you can serve others better? Ready to treat yourself the way your need to be treated? Ready to nurture your super powers so they can be your super strengths and not your weaknesses? Take this upcoming free class and get started on the path of radical self-care:

 

FREE: Radical Self-Care for Highly Sensitive Coaches

 

*This post is informed by Esther Bergsma's The Brains of Highly Sensitive People, published in 2020 in the US. Highly recommended! By the way, this book features the 2007 research on sensitivity by Winnie Dunn, PhD, OTR, FOATA, CPPC. Winnie later attended and graduated from our Certified Positive Psychology Coach Program.

Topics: gratitude, Certified Positive Psychology Coach, personal development, positive psychology coaching, Strengths, Needs, FIND A COACH, highly sensitive, self care, Empaths

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person? Take This In-Depth Test to Find Out

Posted by Julia Stewart

Sensitive Man Enjoying the Scent of Flowers

Highly Sensitive People have an opportunity to flourish even more than other people.

HSP is a popular term for a well-researched inborn trait called Sensory Processing Sensitivity that impacts 20% of the human population. Several gene variations have been identified that are associated with HSP and like any trait, HSP brings both advantages and disadvantages to the individuals who have it. If you are an HSP, you will notice more about your environment and process it more deeply, which can help you excel in intellectual, emotional, creative, or intuitive areas; as well as in relationships, and even in sports and business. But all that extra information can overload your nervous system, causing stress and overwhelm, so you'll pay a higher price for putting up with negative circumstances, but you'll profit even more from a positive environment than others will.

As an HSP, you need to pick your environments wisely or even create new environments to elicit your gifts while minimizing the costs.

Start first by identifying whether you are an HSP with the in-depth test below. Next, educate yourself about your trait so you can optimize it. The research into this personality trait is fascinating and may upend much of what you previously thought about personality, well-being, and mental health. But there is no diagnostic test for it, only a short scale used mostly by researchers. If you are a coach, holistic healer, artist, writer, or researcher; those careers are common to HSPs. Read on for how to identify your trait and get started optimizing it...

DOES is an acronym used to describe the main features of HSP. The D stands for the key feature of this genetic trait: Depth of processing. HSPs take in more information from their environments and that leads to both advantages, such as making better decisions, and disadvantages, such as suffering from over stimulation. O stands for over-arousability which can lead to upset or overwhelm, one of the downsides of HSP. Next is E which stands for Emotional intensity and Empathy. HSPs feel more intensely than others. This means greater highs and deeper lows. Plus, they are finely attuned to others and feel other people's emotions. The latter can create havoc if an HSP spends too much time around people who are emotionally disregulated, but it can be an asset at work and in most relationships, when smartly managed. Finally, S stands for Sensing Subtleties. HSPs are aware of subtle changes or differences that don't register for nonsensitives. The ability to notice subtle changes is an asset in many situations.

"Empath", by the way, is a self-identified trait that overlaps quite a bit with HSP but is not well researched. Hence, definitions of the Empath trait vary according to who the writer or speaker is and may include psychic abilities. But generally, there are enough overlaps between Empath and HSP that they may be the same trait. So if you think you are an Empath, take the test below. Both the test and this article are based on the writings of Elaine N. Aron and others, such as Michael Pluess, who research Sensory Processing Sensitivity ...

Because HSP is inborn, it will show up from birth and you will always have it.

So, in addition to taking this test, check with your parents about early indications that you were more sensitive as an infant. It is unlikely you will answer "Yes" to every question in the test, even if you are an HSP, because of independent personality factors or because you learned to subdue some of your sensitivity to blend in better with the majority who are nonsensitive. Likewise, you may not be an HSP but still answer "Yes" to some of these questions because you have developed sensitivities or strengths in some of these areas at some point in your life. Finally, a few of these questions may sound like traits that could show up in either HSPs or nonsensitives, but the key here is why they show up. Is it a product of sensitivity or not? If it is caused by sensitivity, it may be a normal trait for HSPs.

Take this 6-minute, 50-question test to know if you're a Highly Sensitive Person:

Answer "Yes" to the questions below if they are either "Sometimes" or "Always" true for you. You can also think of them as "Moderately" or "Very" true. If the majority of answers are true for you, you are likely an HSP. And if only a few of them are true but are "Always" or "Very" true, you probably are an HSP, although this test is not intended to be an official diagnosis. If you have this trait, take responsibility for it by doing everything you can to optimize it for your own benefit and for the benefit of your loved ones and others who come in contact with you. Otherwise, they and you will miss out on the rich possibilities of your trait.

  1. As a child, were you precocious in some areas but lagged behind your peers in others?
  2. Did adults sometimes assume you were shy or frightened because you paused before joining in at a new school, party, or activity, but you were really just taking it all in?
  3. Were your parents proud of your accomplishments but worried because you were so sensitive?
  4. Did your sensitivity ever make you a target for bullying, teasing, or taunts by other children with names like: Crybaby, Sissy, Nerd, or Teacher's Pet?
  5. Did your parents and teachers push you to shrug it off, toughen up, or fight back; but that was very hard for you to do (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  6. Have you ever wished you were more like other people and/or secretly preferred your sensitivity?
  7. Do you love subtle or complex colors, flavors, scents, or music?
  8. Are you more sensitive than most to the effects of caffeine, alcohol, or medication?
  9. Have you always felt an affinity for animals or nature?
  10. Are you highly intuitive or have accurate gut feelings?
  11. Are you responsible and conscientious?
  12. Are you creative or innovative?
  13. Do you have a rich, complex inner life?
  14. For fun, do you prefer small gatherings of friends, going to a seminar, spa or spiritual retreat, or spending time in nature; but find big parties, loud concerts, nightclubs, or major sporting events too much (Answer Yes to this one, if the first part is true, even if the reverse was true in your teens and twenties)?
  15. Do you love helping others but do your best work one-on-one or in small groups?
  16. Do you take your time processing and assimilating new information and then make good decisions, have useful  insights, find solutions, or have new creative ideas?
  17. Do you find busy city streets, stadiums full of people, or being around highly emotional people exhausting, upsetting, or overwhelming for you?
  18. Are you easily bothered by too much heat, cold, wind, or humidity, or by loud noises, rough fabrics, certain smells, or too little sunlight?
  19. Are you intensely spiritual or religious, and/or do you find meaning in secular philosophy, science, math?
  20. Have you become an expert or master in at least one area of your work or life but don't brag about it or expect much acknowledgement for it?
  21. Do people value you for your gifts but complain you are too sensitive or you expect too much?
  22. Are you highly emotional or have one or two very strong emotions?
  23. Do you ever wish you weren't so sensitive?
  24. Do you love spending time alone even if you are an extrovert?
  25. Do you need peace and quiet to be at your best?
  26. Are you more interested in improving yourself and less interested in competing with others?
  27. Do you feel shy or overwhelmed in new surroundings even though you are neither when in familiar surroundings (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  28. Have you ever gone through a painful period when everything felt hard and you couldn't seem to keep up with it all, but have you also had periods of great happiness when it felt easy to succeed at your goals (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  29. Do you feel like you've known more than your fair share of abusive narcissists (a.k.a. toxic people, emotional vampires, or high conflict people)?
  30. Do you love experiencing intense positive emotions but dread equally intense negative emotions?
  31. When something painful happens, does it seem to stay with you longer or do you have more trouble shaking it off than others do?
  32. Are you more easily hurt than most people by the things others say?
  33. Do you cry easily, or did you used to cry easily but have learned not to cry in front of others?
  34. Do people complain that you overreact?
  35. Have you spent most of your life acting tougher than you really are and has that cost you emotionally and/or physically (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  36. Have you ever walked into a room and sensed that something was wrong even though no one said or did anything to confirm it, and did it turn out that you were right (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  37. Do you intuitively know what others need and automatically try to provide it even if it wears you out?
  38. Is setting boundaries harder for you than most because you are so aware of what others' need?
  39. Do you sometimes need to withdraw temporarily from relationships, to recover, and do others feel hurt by this and sometimes punish you for it?
  40. Do you pick up subtle signals from others and adjust yourself to accommodate them?
  41. Do you have strong emotional empathy and deep compassion for others?
  42. Have you ever felt depressed or anxious around certain people or circumstances, but felt fine once you changed your environment (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  43. Do you love being close to other people but still need your alone time (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  44. Are you choosy about who gets to be close to you?
  45. Do you find it harder than others to let go if you get close to the wrong person?
  46. Do you feel especially alive when you are in a forest, near the ocean, or in some other natural setting?
  47. Do you love traveling and sight seeing but in smaller doses than most people (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?
  48. Do you find your life is dramatically better when you pay attention to your self care?
  49. Have you noticed that enough sleep makes a huge improvement in your life?
  50. Have you built your life to accommodate your sensitivity and have you noticed your life has improved tremendously because of it (Don't answer Yes to this one unless the second part is also true)?

Again, if you answered "Yes" to most questions or answered "Yes" to fewer questions but your answers were "Very" true or "Always" true, you most likely are an HSP.

This is important because HSPs benefit more from positive people and environments, and are also harmed more by negative people and environments.

To enjoy greater happiness and success, HSPs must accommodate their trait and communicate to important nonsensitives why they are the way they are. If you skip this, your life will likely be unnecessarily difficult and painful when it could be both joyful and successful.

The good news is you have more to gain from positive psychology coaching than most people and can enjoy what researchers call, Vantage Sensitivity. Vantage sensitivity is the ability to excel because of the HSP trait, sometimes beyond what nonsensitives accomplish, but only if your life is well designed to optimize your trait.

Because of Vantage Sensitivity, it is well worth your while to invest in coaching and become your best self, especially if you are an HSP.

Would you like to develop your Vantage Sensitivity? Download Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People and pick one idea from it. Then perfect that idea. HSPs are gifted at over-responding to problems. When you focus that gift on over-responding to your own needs, you create capacity, strength, and the ability to do almost anything! This is just the beginning...

Are you ready to give Vantage Sensitivity a try? Then start upgrading your self-care.

 

Download Self Care for Highly Sensitive People below:

 

Download Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People Here

 

Topics: self care, Empaths, HSP

Join a Virtuous Cycle of Joy and Success this December

Posted by Julia Stewart

upward cycle

How do you define success? More money? Joy? Time? Love?

Whatever success means to you, would you like more of it? Most of us would and there is an inspiring approach that will help you, help others around you, and creates a virtuous cycle for everyone concerned.

As this difficult year comes to a close and as most cultures celebrate important holidays, now is the perfect time to co-create this virtuous cycle. Read on for how you can join in for free...

What if virtually all forms of success were related to smarter giving? They may be according to research by Adam Grant and others. Here are a few ways smarter giving benefits you:

  • Givers are more successful negotiators.
  • Givers strengthen their relationships.
  • Givers experience fulfillment.
  • Givers spark creativity and innovation.
  • Givers' clients express more satisfaction.
  • Givers inspire others to give.
  • Givers receive more in return.
  • Givers experience more joy.
  • Givers inspire joy in others.

Of course, givers can be taken advantage of, but there are smart ways to reduce or eliminate being taken.

Come learn how to be a smart giver this holiday season and help us establish a virtuous cycle of giving. It is free to join and could be the inspiration that makes 2020 one of your very best years.

Fully Alive with Positive Psychology (Giving Edition) starts this Wednesday, December 2nd, for four weeks, 7-8 PM EST. It's a live webinar with me, Julia Stewart that is free to join, but seating is limited so please only join if you will attend. No recordings will be sent out, because all of the value is in the attendance of this live reciprocity circle.

Don't miss this unique opportunity to share an amazing experience. Sign up today and mark your calendar!

Attend Free Fully Alive for Joy and Success

Topics: Free, coaching success, successful business, personal development, Positive Psychology, Boundaries, setting boundaries, Fully Alive, personal growth, self care

Manage Stress and Promote Mental Well-being with the Daily Seven

Posted by Julia Stewart

Mindsight Daily Seven

People seem even more stressed than usual.

Between the pandemic and economic meltdown, on top of the climate and refugee crises, plus the usual wars, famines, and fractious politics, it's only natural.

"If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you can happily eat whatever is put on your plate; you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are: you are probably a dog." - Jack Kornfield

If you're a coach, you probably counsel your clients around the importance of self care, especially in times like these. But what types of self care help us flourish even under the most difficult circumstances? Here are seven activities, based on scientific research, that you can take like your daily vitamins to help you, and your clients, thrive through anything. They are crafted by Daniel Siegel, MD, and David Rock, PhD.

The Mindsight Daily Seven:

  1. Focus Time. Spend some time each day concentrating on something you enjoy. Reading, dancing, practicing a skill. It can be your hobby or your profession, but engage in something you can lose yourself in. In other words, get into Flow. This is a peak mental state that will raise your positivity.
  2. Time In. Spend some time focusing within. This could be a few minutes of quiet contemplation, mindfulness, or formal meditation. Notice without judging. If you catch yourself judging, notice that and encourage yourself to judge less. Over time, your brain will become more integrated and that boosts mental health.
  3. Down Time. Do nothing productive for a little while each day. Goof off. Don't make plans. Set a part of each day aside for a mini-vacation.  Paradoxically, you'll become more productive, focused, and creative.
  4. Physical Time. Move your body. Exercise, walk more, or just get up from your chair at least once per hour. Everyone knows this is great for your physical health, but it's equally important for your brain health.
  5. Sleep Time. There's evidence that our brains clean themselves when we sleep so getting seven or more hours sleep per night keeps the brain healthy and may help prevent dementia.
  6. Play Time. This is different from competitive sports, which have their own benefits. With play, you might try new things. Look silly. Screw up; no judgement. Catch yourself laughing outloud. People who play are more innovative.
  7. Connecting Time. Connect on a heartfelt level with other people, pets, and planet. Spend time with nature. Get beyond your small self and feel your connection to others. You'll grow important relationships, develop perspective, and enjoy greater wisdom.

Which of these activities are you already doing daily? Which could you add without overwhelming yourself? Is there something you'd be willing to give up to make time for more well-being and relaxation?

How can you remember to do all the Daily Seven? Use this post as a checklist, if you like. Get a partner to work on it together. Or get a coach.

Interested in becoming a professional neuroscience coach?

Visit the Certified Neuroscience Coach Page Here

 

Topics: mindfulness, Neuroplasticity, Flow, wellbeing, self care, certified neuroscience coach

15 Self-Care Must-Do's If You're a Highly Sensitive Coach

Posted by Julia Stewart

highly sensitve coach

There is an inherited trait known as Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), or Empath, that is common amongst coaches, especially master coaches.

According to research, 15-20% of all humans are born HSPs, as are 15-20% of all "higher" animals, such as monkeys. This suggests a survival value for the overall population. In other words, HSPs are needed by others. What's different about HSPs? We notice more and sense subtleties that others miss, process information deeply, are more empathic and emotional, and all of this can cause over-stimulation, overwhelm, and exhaustion. It's a blessing and a curse! However, if you're an HSP coach, it is a gift for you and your clients as long as you're aware of it and take especially great care of yourself and your sensitivity. To find out if you're a highly sensitive coach and how to optimize your sensitivity, read on...

Highly Sensitive Persons are impacted more intensely by both positive and negative environmental stimuli.

 

This means your self care, and who and what you surround yourself with, will have a more dramatic impact on you than on someone who is not an HSP. So to be a great coach, you need to take your well-being seriously. No wonder coaches love positive psychology!

Many of the qualities the ICF requires in their Master Certified Coaches (MCC), come naturally to HSPs.  These include conscientiousness, deep connection and awareness, vulnerability, presence, curiosity, empathy, ability to notice more, intuition, deep listening, quick learning, ability to stay in the background while eliciting the client's greatness, allowing the client to lead, and regarding the client with Love 2.0.

 

BUT. Even if you are an HSP, these qualities are unlikely to show up if you don't practice wonderful self care and personal growth, because over-stimulation causes you to shut down and become irritable. Not conducive to great coaching!

 

Here are Self-Care Musts for the Highly Sensitive Coach:

  1. Rest and quiet are your biggest self-care priorities if you're a highly sensitive coach. This includes eight or more hours of sleep every night. Seriously.
  2. Get significant alone time. Especially if you're also an introvert, you need at least an hour per day to yourself to be your best.
  3. Learn to set boundaries. If you haven't mastered this yet, put it at the top of your to-do list.
  4. Keep your client load relatively small. Don't coach more than 10 - 20 hours per week. Less is more!
  5. Work with a functional medicine physician to optimize your health because the affects of illness, fatigue, and pain will negatively impact you more than others.
  6. Work with your own coach, especially an HSP coach, to be your very best.
  7. Develop a meaningful spiritual practice that helps you stay centered and open.
  8. Consider working with a psychotherapist if you had a difficult childhood. HSPs who grow up in negative environments are often prone to depression and anxiety which can harm your coaching and your quality of life.
  9. Screen potential coaching clients to avoid working with difficult people who will drain your energy.
  10. Do consider working with clients who are HSPs and need coaches who understand them.
  11. Avoid "energy vampires", especially narcissists. According to Dr. Judith Orloff, Empaths (HSPs) do particularly badly with narcissists because they don't understand how someone can thoroughly lack empathy. If you can't avoid them, at least learn how to handle them.
  12. Consider working from home. You'll avoid difficult commutes, large crowds, and noxious environments.
  13. Set up your office so it is ideal for you and your sensitivities. The more you put up with, the harder it is to coach brilliantly. And your clients deserve nothing less!
  14. Find a sales and marketing process that leverages your sensitivity rather than forcing you to be who you are not. HSP marketing and sales is an advantage in coaching, but only if you rely on your strengths. Don't let anyone tell you differently!
  15. Embrace your sensitivity along with its downsides and rejoice that you've found the perfect profession for you. Self-compassion for your extra-care needs helps you love and appreciate your self and your clients.

 

Want to take a quick test to confirm whether you're an HSP? Go here.

 

References for this post include research scientist and psychotherapist, Dr. Elaine N. Aron's updated book, The Highly Sensitive Person, and psychiatrist, Dr. Judith Orloff's book, The Empath's Survival Guide, The former will appeal to you if you want to know the research into HSP. The latter is more spiritual in nature and offers many practices to protect your energy.

 

Are you an HSP coach who wants to benefit from the power of positive psychology so you can flourish?

 

Get the Become a Positive Psychology Coach eBook

Topics: ICF, master coach, MCC, Positive Psychology, personal growth, highly sensitive, self care

Squeezing Your Size 12 Life Into a Size 5 Day

Posted by Julia Stewart

via GIPHY

Squeezing into a too-small box is cute when cats do it, sad when humans do.

And totally inappropriate when coaches do it. Coaches are supposed to model great self-care for our clients and, while we can't control everything in our lives, we can be honest about what's really going on. Telling the truth to ourselves is always positive, because, no matter how hard life gets, when we embrace what's true, we can start choosing something better.

Lately, too many of my coaching students are cramming too much into their lives and seem oblivious to the damage they may be doing. This post is for them - and for you, if you're over-doing it, too.

5 Reasons doing too much is a terrible idea...

  1. You're probably stressed. Over-doing it is exhausting and stressful. High levels of stress hormones over time are toxic. They can wreck you gut biome, which can damage your mental health, as well. You may be familiar with the Japanese word for death from over-work: Karoshi. Unfortunately, people tend to think they're doing great until it's too late. Wondering if you're stressed? This image, shared by a former client, will tend to "move" when a stressed person looks at it, but doesn't move if you're relaxed. optical illusion
  2. You're not giving your brain enough time to slow down. it needs that to see things for what they truly are. No wonder people can work themselves to death; they can't think straight when they over-do it. Poor choices result. And neuroscientists say those who over-do it have less gray matter in their brains, meaning fewer neurons to think with.
  3. You may not be fully present. You think you're doing so much for others, but often people just want you to really see and hear them. You can't do that when you're rushed.
  4. You're probably over-stressing those around you. Stress is contagious and can become a vicious cycle. Plus people take their cues from others. That's how cultures of over-work develop.
  5. The people around you are more likely to over-do it, too. Instead of making a better world, you may be making it worse!

What can you do instead?

  1. Practice a little self-compassion. It's okay to say "No" to more work, to ask for help, to prioritize what matters instead of pretending everything matters equally. It's okay to live by your own values instead of everyone else's. If you're over-extended, you're doing no one any favors. Give yourself a chance to just be and then start again with sanity.
  2. Notice what need you're trying to fill by over-doing it. Is it a need for significance? To win? To out-do everyone else? Are you a help-aholic who needs to be needed? A great coach can help you with this because you can get all your needs met in non-toxic ways and that's the gateway to true happiness.
  3. Identify what matters most and have the discipline to cut out everything else. It'll feel uncomfortable at first, but will get much easier. You may be surprised that no one else really cared if you did it, in the first place.
  4. Start using your strengths where they're needed most. Let people with different strengths do the other stuff. You'll save energy, stress, and discomfort for all. Everyone will be happier.
  5. If you really want to help others, model what a great life looks like. You'll be giving them permission to also live their best lives and be happier. Happy people are kinder. Everybody benefits!

Be a coach who models awesome self care.

Because potential clients are looking for this and because you'll literally coach more effectively if you're neither exhausted or stressed. Here's a course that teaches the three most important subjects in coaching so you and your clients can be your very best:

 

The Three Most Important Subjects in Coaching

 

Topics: Strengths, Needs, Values, highly sensitive, self care, certified neuroscience coach

Is Self Care Selfish?

Posted by Julia Stewart

Self Care Relaxation Lake

Self care is one of the foundations of coaching.

If your clients aren't taking great care of themselves they won't be their best with any consistency. They just won't. Likewise, great self care is part of a coach's job description. So much so that it's included in SCM's Best Practices for Professional Coaches, Part 1, #5:

"Professional coaches practice excellent self-care, so they can consistently give their best to their clients."

Coaching is expensive and your clients deserve your very best. That means your self care isn't just about you, it's about others, as well. So why don't coaches always take care of themselves?

  • Much of it is cultural. From the protestant work ethic: No rest 'til work is done, to today's current crazy work environment that is ultra-competitive and focused on short-term productivity. Recently, a woman told me her work day began at 4 AM and ended at 8 PM. She didn't even sound embarrassed about it. Then there's the man who only sees his infant daughter on weekends, because he gets home from work at 10 PM, then eats dinner while working some more. Not great for his wife.
  • Then there is the pressure on mothers to be self-less for their children (and husbands). For many, self-care induces so much guilt, it may not even be restful. No wonder marriages suffer.

Is it possible all this selflessness is really selfish? I think so.

Let me explain. In coaching we often talk about the ego vs. the true self. These are immensely valuable concepts derived from Buddhist psychology. Here, the ego is a bit different from Freud's definition. In Buddhism, the ego is that part of you that protects you from harm, keeps you safe, makes you competitive, spurs you to win, to receive approval from others, to gain acceptance. I like to think of it as an app or operating system that comes preloaded when you are born. You may not always like it. In fact, it probably causes conflicts with others sometimes, but you'd be dysfunctional without it. The ego is 100% for you, so it chafes with other egos and some spiritual and religious traditions will even encourage you to destroy it.

No wonder people deny its existence.

But the ego is a marvelous shape-shifter. It won't die until your body dies. Just when you think you've conquered it, it shows up in a whole new form. It's that part of you that needs to be Wonder Woman, who needs to prove you can outwork anyone, outproduce all the competition, who is a perfectionistic overachiever, who sacrifices for the children, the elderly parents, your co-workers, even your clients. Or conversely who is shy, who thinks, "Who am I to be great?", who can never be selfish about anything, who is always "good". All of that's your ego, baby.

The ego is not just arrogant and self-centered. It can show up that way and a million others, as well.

I knew a man who was great at launching successful restaurants. Like many types of business, restaurant work is highly competitive, stressful, and involves incredibly long hours. My friend was "killing it" until the day he collapsed in the dining room, in front of his employees and customers, and had to be wheeled out on a stretcher and hospitalized. His adrenal glands were so depleted they could no longer produce enough cortisol to keep him conscious.

I had a similar experience as a dancer in graduate school at an expensive college in New York. My friends/classmates and I were competitive, all vying for "straight A's" and praise from our professors. Faculty politics were toxic. Dancing eight hours per day in an overwhelmingly stressful environment took its toll. In the two weeks leading up to my masters thesis concert, I lost ten pounds without trying. That's not normal. A month later, home for Christmas, I stopped into a store to pick up last-minute wrapping paper and started feeling dizzy. I was indoors with a winter coat on and was sure, once I stepped outside, I would be fine. Outside, I was still dizzy, but the cold air felt good and I could see my parent's house. It was minutes away and I was sure I could get there. Next thing I knew, I was looking up into a strange woman's face who was asking, "Are you alright?" I had passed out in the parking lot.

I finished my Masters on-time with "straight A's", but I failed in the self-care department and that meant other people had to take care of me for a while. My young healthy body had collapsed and that had lasting implications for my health. To this day, if I get overtired or stressed, I have to rest or risk collapse. Maslows Hierarchy of Needs

Why did I do it? I just wanted my professors to tell me I was "good enough". In other words, I was driven to get two major needs met from Maslow's hierarchy, acceptance and self-esteem, like my life depended on it.

Self-care is about getting your needs met. It's not optional. You can't skip it for long. If you studied General Psych in college, or even high school, you probably were introduced to Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. On the bottom are physical needs such as enough rest and sleep, water, air, nutrition. Above, are psychological (a.k.a ego) needs, such as safety, belonging, and self-esteem. At the top is self-actualization, similar to the concept of the Ideal Self from positive psychology (Oprah would call it, "living your best life"). You can't expect to get there if your lower needs aren't met, especially the ones on the bottom, the physical needs. That's where self care comes in.

Great self care is never selfish. It's what you need to be the person others need you to be.

When you work on yourself or when you coach your clients, make sure you pay attention to getting physical and ego needs met. Otherwise, you may be doomed. Learn how to incorporate self care and needs into your coaching. It's one of the most important subjects in positive psychology coaching. The next course starts soon.

 

Register: Coaching Values, Needs & Strengths

Topics: positive psychology coaching, self care

    Subscribe for FREE: Learn About Coaching

    Follow Us

    The Coaching Blog

    If you're a professional Business or Life Coach or you're interested in becoming one, the SCM Coaching Blog covers topics you may want to know about: How to Become a Business or Life Coach, Grow a Successful Coaching Business, Get Coach Training and/or Business and Life Coach Certification, Become a Coaching Master and Evolve Your Life and Business. 

    Subscribe above and/or explore by tag, month or article popularity, below.

    Latest Posts

    Most Popular Posts

    Browse by Tag

    Top Career-Jobs Sites Living-Well blog