--- title: Coaching Blog | acknowledgment description: acknowledgment | Discover positive psychology and neuroscience coaching! Learn about certification and how to get started in business and life coaching. --- [![School of Coaching Mastery](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/hub/41761/file-1592744230.png "School of Coaching Mastery")](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/) [![School of Coaching Mastery](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/file-1591759451-png/images/headerimg.pngt.png "School of Coaching Mastery")](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/) - [Blog](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog) - [Training](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coach-training-programs) - [Positive Psychology Coach Training](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/positive-psychology-coach-training-online) - [Certified Positive Psychology and Neuroscience Coach Program](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-positive-psychology-and-neuroscience-coach-program) - [Free Certified Positive Psychology Coach Fact Shee](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/free-certified-positive-psychology-coach-fact-sheet) - [Become a Certified Group Coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/become-a-certified-group-coach) - [Emotional Intelligence Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/emotional-intelligence-and-leadership-coaching) - [Certified Positive Psychology Coach Program](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-positive-psychology-coach-program) - [Coach 100](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coach-100-business) - [Coach 100 Testimonials](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coach-100-testimonials) - [Coach 100 Resources](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coach-100-resources) - [Thomas Leonard](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/thomas-leonard) - [About Us](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/about-us) - [Testimonials](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/testimonials) - [Contact Us](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/contact-us) - [Best Practices for Professional Coaches](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/best-practices-for-professional-coaches) - [Become a Coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/become-a-coach) - [Positive Psychology](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/positive-psychology) - [Certified Positive Psychology Coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-positive-psychology-coach-program) - [Find a Positive Psychology Coach](http://findacoachhere.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/listing/guide/positive-psychology-coach) - [Free Become a Coach eBook](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/free-become-a-coach-ebook) - [Certification](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/seven-secrets) - [Do You Need Coach Certification?](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/do-you-need-coach-certification) - [Certified Group Coaches](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-group-coaches) - [Find a Coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/find-a-coach) - [Coach Directory](http://findacoachhere.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/) - [Resources](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coach-training-resources) # Coaching Blog ## [Your Post-Pandemic Future is Here. How Will You Elevate It?](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/your-post-pandemic-future-is-here.-how-will-you-elevate-it) [Posted by Julia Stewart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/julia-stewart) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![Post-Covid Future and You](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Post-Covid%20Future%20and%20You.jpg?width=2000&name=Post-Covid%20Future%20and%20You.jpg)   Quick! What's that outside your window?   Is that your future peeking in at you? Would you even recognize it? Is it just a wisp of a shadow of a dream? Or do you know what it looks like, already? That last could be awesome or terrible. Your future is yours to create. Do you have the energy? The focus? The care? The know-how? Because if you leave it to chance, chances are it won't serve you. Read on... Around the world, a species that was feared in danger of extinction just one year ago is reappearing: folks with gray hair and wrinkles who are now fully vaccinated. Sightings of this once rare breed have been made at stores, gyms, resorts, restaurants, and even hair salons. No longer forced to spend all their money on Instacart, they are once again [venturing out their homes](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/2020-stole-your-life-heres-how-to-get-it-back) and the economy is returning to normal. Soon, [you may be vaccinated yourself](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/6-reasons-to-get-vaccinated-as-soon-as-you-can). It'll then be your turn to start living life on your own terms. Who will you be when you can be who you want to be? Right now, you may be too exhausted, stressed, or [burned out](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/your-sofa-may-be-killing-you) to think about your future. That's okay. If you can begin to take care of yourself even a bit, you can get back to normal soon. But don't force yourself to focus on the future if it drains you. May I suggest that you start with the basics if you are worn out? Begin with one deep delicious breath. Breathe in through your nose for a count of five and exhale for five-to-eight counts. Do this anytime, anywhere, when you need to relax and refocus. Watch calmly for improvements to your mind-state, because this type of breathing triggers censors in your body that tell your brain you are safe and can relax. This is tremendously healing. Return when you are ready. This blog post will still be here. Next, take a moment to process any grief you're still carrying. Whether loved ones lost, family not seen, jobs that ended, or even [vacations](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/en-us/coach-stephanie-harris-covid-interview) interrupted. Each loss deserves at least a moment of [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/how-to-create-coaching-flow-for-more-fun-and-success). Heavy emotions are just information. Get the message and they will move on. Now here's a crazy question: What did you gain from the pandemic? Did you learn a new skill set? Make new friends online? Realize what really matters to you? Write down at least three valuable things you gained from the pandemic and why they matter to you now. What happened that you never want to do again? How will you prepare yourself so you never go through that worst thing? [Train for a new career](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/7-reasons-now-is-a-great-time-to-become-a-coach)? Move to a community of like-minded people? [Stock up on toilet paper](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/how-thomas-leonard-prepared-me-for-the-covid-pandemic)? What did you swear you would change? How can you keep that promise to yourself? Because promises unkept tend to weigh us down. What habits served you during the lock-down that you want to keep? Many of us will keep our 20-second handwashing habits! And what about those Zoom happy hours? What habits served you during the lock-down that you can begin to let go? Will you still wear a double mask when you become immune? Will you check Covid stats every morning? Now, what would you do if there was nothing in your way? What dream has been knocking at your window unanswered? How can you take a step toward it? Even a small one? Commit to taking that step. Then tell a supportive friend or loved one about it. Better yet, [work with a coach](https://findacoachhere.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/). Then celebrate it. The first step is usually the biggest.   Keep taking steps to elevate the dawn of your new future.   I hope this was useful for you. If helping people is part of your dream. I invite you to[try out our coach trainings.](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coach-training-programs)   [![Visit Life Coach Training Online Here.](https://no-cache.hubspot.com/cta/default/41761/705f3a31-c232-43d5-b88b-e339f4a13b98.png)](https://cta-redirect.hubspot.com/cta/redirect/41761/705f3a31-c232-43d5-b88b-e339f4a13b98)   0 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/your-post-pandemic-future-is-here.-how-will-you-elevate-it#comments-listing) Topics: [make a living as a coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/make-a-living-as-a-coach), [Coach Training Programs](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coach-training-programs), [coaching questions](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-questions), [future of coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/future-of-coaching), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment), [video](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/video), [Covid](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/covid), [pandemic](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/pandemic) ## [How to Create Coaching Flow for More Ease, Fun, and Success](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/how-to-create-coaching-flow-for-more-fun-and-success) [Posted by Mattison Grey](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/mattison-grey) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![Mattison Grey](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Mattison%20Grey.jpg?width=300&name=Mattison%20Grey.jpg) The following post is by [Mattison Grey, MMC](http://www.mattisongrey.com/), master coach, trainer, speaker, and author of *The Motivation Myth*. I have a saying…*”connection wins.”*  While that might seem understated, it has been shown to be the case over and over in my coaching practice.  Have you ever noticed that coaching is more fun and effective when you have a strong connection with the client?  And that a close connection often leads to [flow](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/113581/Positive-Psychology-Coaching-How-Flow-Appears-In-Coaching-Sessions)?  I think we can all agree flow is an awesome place to be with a client! It’s quite magical, sometimes elusive and often fragile.  Have you ever been trucking along in flow with someone and then BAM, it goes away?  **Yeah, me too. Oops.**  What the heck just happened?  Well, there’s a good chance judgment happened.  You see, connection requires trust. While that does seem obvious, and almost as obvious as judgment breaks trust, what is not as clear is that judgment breaks trust…all judgment.  Stay with me…Yes, even judgment that is “good.”  Yep, judgment good or judgment bad, breaks trust.  So, when you accidentally (or intentionally) add judgment into flow, that flow is interrupted.  Judgment breaks trust, therefore, connection, therefor flow.  This is where the tool of acknowledgment comes in. Acknowledgment, as I define it, eliminates judgment from our language and provides the opportunity to communicate and maintain flow. You can also use acknowledgment to create flow.  It sounds too simple to work, but it does - almost every time.  Flow seems elusive, but it’s not.  It just requires the coach to get out of and stay out of the way.  Simple yes, easy no.  So, what is acknowledgment?  It’s probably not what you think.    ***“Acknowledgement is saying what a person did (completed actions) or the results that the person produced, without judgment or opinion, and it is delivered with a tone of appreciation, curiosity, or surprise.”*** The tone implies appreciation. *“Wow, you really did something.”* **Acknowledgement: *“You completed the project on time.”***   **I can hear you now,  *“I don’t judge people when I am coaching...”***  I’d encourage you to revisit that idea and stay curious. Positive judgment is still judgment and any sort of judgment breaks trust. That is what makes learning and implementing acknowledgment into our coaching so tricky.  The tricky part of acknowledgement is that what you say must be delivered without your opinion or judgment (whether that is positive or negative).  If there is any opinion or judgment in your words or in your tone, whatever you say is no longer an acknowledgement. **Another key component to acknowledgement is that it is not about you.** This is amazingly hard for people to get at first.  It sort-of scrambles the brain.  Even when I teach this tool to high-level coaches and “people” people, they struggle at first to take themselves out of the equation and to really make it only about the other person.  If the communication is in any way about you, then it is not acknowledgement, it is something else. An easy way to begin to understand this distinction is to understand what acknowledgement is *not*.  It is not complimenting, appreciation, validation, affirmation, thanking, recognition, praise, championing or cheerleading.  There is a time and a place for all of these, and they are not acknowledgement (those things are all about you rather than the other person). Here is what each of these sounds like: - Compliment: “The project is wonderful. You are so smart.” - Appreciation: “I really appreciate your completing this project on time.” - Validation: “I see that you have given this project a lot of effort and thought.” - Affirmation: “I think you deserve all the credit for this successful project.” - Thanking: “Thank you for putting all your time and effort into this project.” - Recognition: “It is clear you are a very talented project manager.” - Praise: “Awesome job.” - Championing: “I told the CEO that you were the right person for this project.” - Cheerleading: “I knew you could do it.”   While these communications sound normal and nice, they are all a judgment of the persons’ actions and are all opinions.  In the course of a normal conversation these types of communications are just fine, and often considered good manners.  However, when trying to create a high-performance environment and achieve and maintain flow, acknowledgment is essential.   **Want to learn more about how to incorporate this tool into your coaching practice?**  Specifically, how to use it in conjunction with [Active Constructive Response](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/97390/6-Ideas-That-ll-Change-Your-Coaching-and-Your-Life)?  Join us for a free Webinar on Monday, February 24th, 2020.   [Attend this free one-time-only master class](https://zoom.us/meeting/register/upQvc-ugqT0jGAxSWNkpVz7WNXe7jTGWow) with Mattison Grey and Julia Stewart on how to use acknowledgment to create Flow in your coaching. Register now:   [![Attend this Free Master Class on Coaching Flow](https://no-cache.hubspot.com/cta/default/41761/8081da67-28de-4b8f-87c4-2e3ec74a24e2.png)](https://cta-redirect.hubspot.com/cta/redirect/41761/8081da67-28de-4b8f-87c4-2e3ec74a24e2)   1 Comment [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/how-to-create-coaching-flow-for-more-fun-and-success#comments-listing) Topics: [free coach training](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/free-coach-training), [webinar](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/webinar), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment), [Flow](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/flow), [IAPPC](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/iappc) ## [9 Ways to Coach Brilliantly with Silence](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/9-ways-to-coach-brilliantly-with-silence) [Posted by Julia Stewart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/julia-stewart) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![evocative silence](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/hubfs/evocative%20silence.jpg?width=2000&name=evocative%20silence.jpg) Have you ever heard someone describe coaching as "magical"? Good chance they were amazed by the impacts of a coaching session enhanced by silence. **Most coaches lack confidence with this tool.** Read this post to master the art of coaching with silence! Here are 9 steps to mastering the art of coaching with silence: 1. **Shut up**. Sorry, just wanted to get your attention. But seriously, one of the surest ways to use silence is to ask an attention-getting [question](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/54576/101-incredible-coaching-questions) and then shut up. We teach the finer points of this approach, including how not to be rude, in the [Certified Competent Coach Course](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-competent-coach). Read on for other ways to use silence... 2. **Add a pause.** People think faster than they talk which explains why coaching sessions that include pauses at just the right moments often result in more insights for clients. I heard one of my students do this in class the other day and his client had insights seemingly out of nowhere. Magic? Or silence? 3. **Slow down.** Before you get to silence, experiment with just slowing down. Most coaches mirror their clients' pace, which is good, but sometimes a slower pace is more helpful. Pay close attention to you clients when you do this so you get it just right. 4. **Acknowledge first.** An [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/108938/Coaching-Tip-When-Validation-and-Acknowledgment-Backfire) followed by a pause can be more effective than the most powerful question. Theoretically, a coach who's mastered acknowledgment and silence might never need to ask any questions! 5. **Appreciate.** When your relationship with the client is really solid, moments of [shared warmth](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/94238/positive-psychology-25-fun-facts-about-love-2-0) can boost the "magic" quotient higher. You co-create an environment where it's safe for anything to be said or to happen. Take time to enjoy your client immensely. 6. **Ask once.** Sometimes a question comes out wrong. Resist the temptation to improve it and let that embarrassing mess hang in midair. Editing yourself confuses your client. Let them hear it, process it, and answer it before you speak again. Better yet, practice the art of crafting beautiful questions that never need editing. It takes time. You get that time in [Master Coach Training](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-positive-psychology-coach-program). 7. **Breathe.** One of the best ways to connect and focus is to take one deep delicious breath together. No talking, just focus on that breath. Ah. It's all much clearer now. Learn to perfect this in [Neuroscience Tools and Practices.](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-neuroscience-coach-program) 8. **Visualize.** Invite your client to walk through a visualization with you. Make sure at some point that you fall silent so your client can just focus on what they are visualizing. Encourage them to stay silent too. 9. **Put your phone on mute!** The late great [Ginger Cockerham](https://www.facebook.com/cockerhamcoaching/) once yelled at me while I was coaching in class because I'd asked a great question and the client was reorienting but I kept on talking. She said if all else fails, put your hand over your mouth or your thumb on the mute button because you can't be great if you're still talking. Give your clients room to think! **These are nine great ways to add space to your coaching sessions and help your clients get to the gold.** They are perfect examples of what the [International Association of Positive Psychology Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/international-association-of-positive-psychology-coaches) calls, Clear Communication.   Learn more about the IAPPC's Positive Psychology Coaching Skills and earn your certification. Join while it's free and attend live meetings to learn all the IAPPC PPCS:   [![Join the IAPPC Now and Save on Certification](https://no-cache.hubspot.com/cta/default/41761/110ce525-e879-4c0c-81a7-ce22003ade3f.png)](https://cta-redirect.hubspot.com/cta/redirect/41761/110ce525-e879-4c0c-81a7-ce22003ade3f)   0 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/9-ways-to-coach-brilliantly-with-silence#comments-listing) Topics: [coaching questions](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-questions), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment), [positive psychology coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/positive-psychology-coaching), [positive psychology coaches](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/positive-psychology-coaches), [IAPPC](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/iappc) ## [Coaching Tip: Why Your Clients Don't Change and How You Can Help](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/coaching-tip-why-your-clients-dont-change-and-how-you-can-help) [Posted by Julia Stewart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/julia-stewart) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![Stages of Change Image](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Stages%20of%20Change%20Image.jpg?width=785&name=Stages%20of%20Change%20Image.jpg) ### Last week, I posted an image similar to the one above, with a physician telling a patient to make too many changes in too short a time, on our [Facebook Page](https://www.facebook.com/SCHOOLOFCOACHINGMASTERY/). **I commented on that post that effective coaches would know why the patient pictured was unlikely to do any of it.** A page member asked for details, so here you go. ### Virtually everything a coach does during a coaching session is designed to help the client gain awareness and then take action toward a goal the client wants to reach. **Everything.** We don't always talk about it that way, but that's what it all boils down to. So if you want to help someone make changes, learn to use the tools below. They are effective in coaching and can be effective in other situations, as well. ### A short list of tools coaches use to get clients into action... 1. **Acknowledge where they are, right now.** In [positive psychology coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/positive-psychology-coaching-how-to-use-negativity-to-improve-coaching-outcomes), this falls under the banner of Active and Constructive Responding. This strengthens relationships, reduces resistance, and causes people to feel more receptive to ideas and suggestions. 2. **Raise the positivity level sufficiently.** People are more open, creative, and resourceful when there is sufficient, but not excessive, positivity in the conversation. They tend to feel more confident about trying new things and making changes. 3. **Ask instead of tell.** Find out more about where the client is, right now, and what they want to change. People are always more likely to act on their ideas than on yours. 4. **Focus on assets.** No need to ignore problems; just don't make the problems bigger or more important that the client and their  assets. These include the client's strengths, their support system, having enough time and money, etc. 5. **Let the client lead.** This is big. We sometimes think we know what the client needs to change, but that's less helpful than you might imagine. The client is always the expert when it comes to their own life, so let them take the lead. 6. **Create a brand new habitat.** The client's old world supports their old way of being. To really change, they need their world to change with them. Create a habitat that evolves them in the direction they want to go. 7. **Don't expect action right away.** Sometimes a client isn't even close to being ready. According to James Prochaska, people go through "[stages of change](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model)" and there are three stages before they even get to action. Those stages include Precontemplation, which is probably where the patient above is, when they haven't even been thinking about changing, or they may feel resistant because somebody is pushing them to change (Their doctor? Spouse? Friends?), or they feel discouraged because they've tried to change and weren't successful. Then there's Contemplation, where they're thinking about changes, maybe even researching them, but aren't ready to act, yet. You may hear a lot of "shoulds" at this stage. Finally there's Preparation, when they're making necessary plans to set themselves up for success, such as changing their schedule, notifying other stake holders of the change, learning new techniques, or gathering equipment. Only after all that is someone able to actively change and, even then, they probably can't change everything at once. Getting a client ready to change is part of coaching them to change. ### So jumping in with "good" advice, and expecting that to do the trick, could do more harm than good. **If you're curious about coaching or contemplating becoming one, [download the free Become a Coach eBook.](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/free-become-a-coach-ebook)** If you want to learn more, or are ready to take action, consider joining the [Certified Competent Coach Course](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/certified-competent-coach): [![Become a Certified Competent Coach](https://no-cache.hubspot.com/cta/default/41761/c5f61f6c-c37b-4453-9e1b-3aa50c846118.png)](https://cta-redirect.hubspot.com/cta/redirect/41761/c5f61f6c-c37b-4453-9e1b-3aa50c846118) 0 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/coaching-tip-why-your-clients-dont-change-and-how-you-can-help#comments-listing) Topics: [become a coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/become-a-coach), [Coaching Tip](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-tip), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment), [Positive Psychology](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/positive-psychology), [positive psychology coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/positive-psychology-coaching), [free ebook](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/free-ebook), [certified competent coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/certified-competent-coach) ## [Coaching Tip: When Validation and Acknowledgment Backfire](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/108938/Coaching-Tip-When-Validation-and-Acknowledgment-Backfire) [Posted by Julia Stewart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/julia-stewart) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![Coaching Tip](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/file-537018695-jpg/images/insulted_woman-resized-600.jpg)   **Subtitle this post, 'Coaches Behaving Badly'!** One of the basic coaching skills, which collectively are called the [Coaching Foundations](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-groundwork-advanced/), is Validate Everything. I define validation as any appropriate expression of support, whether positive ('That's great!'), or negative ('That sucks!'). There are lots of ways to validate in coaching and one of the most effective, is acknowledgment. **Except when it's not.** [Mattison Grey wrote the book on acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/84712/Coaching-Questions-Don-t-Always-End-With-Question-Marks) and defines it as a statement about what someone did, or the results they got, shared with a tone of wonderment. She says acknowledgment works when other forms of validation, such as offering compliments, do not, because often, people feel judged when complimented. I couldn't agree more and Mattison is awesome at acknowledgment, but I've had yucky experiences with compliments, validations, and even acknowledgments, because sometimes, no matter how skilled people are at *delivering* them, they muck it up, anyway. **They just can't help it!** Most of my yucky experiences occurred with newish coaches, who most likely were just making mistakes with a new skill set and that's understandable. But sometimes it came from veteran coaches and then it looks like a character issue. As in, poor personal development, or lack of integrity. **Here are a couple of examples:** **I used to work for a coach training company that called validation, championing.** All the coaches there went about championing each other, because that's what good coaches do, right? One of my coaching colleagues there used to champion me so lavishly that, one day, I asked her to stop, because I felt increasingly uncomfortable. I really didn't need, nor want to hear, over and over, what a great coach I was, what a fantastic coach trainer, how impressive my success was, nor how amazing was my devotion and commitment to my coaching clients and students. Ugh. The next day though, she made several remarks that called into question my honesty and integrity regarding the coaching profession. Hmm, really? The same person's saying these things? It communicated to me that although she usually said over-the-top positive things to me, underneath she was judging me negatively on some major stuff. **She later apologized, which is great, but I never felt I could trust her**. She had shown that regardless how syrupy her validations were, she was really thinking something else. In fact, to me, she was a suck up.  **She left me feeling uncomfortable, insulted, and annoyed.** That's how I still remember her. You know, the IAC certification scorecard measures, among other things, whether the coach demonstrates consistency (a.k.a. integrity) between words and actions. If you validate, champion, acknowledge, or whatever you call it, and then demonstrate that you don't really believe what you said, you damage trust with the client. **Not validating enough during coaching is a mistake.** Validating, but not meaning it, is an even more destructive mistake. One of the problems with coach training is that sometimes we emphasize the 'how', instead of the 'who'. [Thomas Leonard](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/20456/Going-Back-in-Time-and-Striking-Coaching-Gold) used to tell coaches to champion, because that's just who we are. If you do it for any other reason, you're manipulating. And the person you're manipulating will smell a rat. **I call dishonest validation, schmoozing.** That's an Americanism, derived from Yiddish, that means to gossip or chat with someone, in an intimate manner, in order to manipulate, flatter, or impress them. **But you could just as well call it, INvalidation, because that's the effect it has.** **Then there was the colleague from the past, who showed up in one of my classes at SCM.** I was surprised she signed up, because I knew she had been coaching at least as long as I. The first day of class, she delivered some schmoozy validations of me, as a coach and coach trainer. Then she referenced her own great coaching skill and left a pause. I got the feeling I was supposed to reciprocate by acknowledging her prowess as a coach. Problem was, I had no memory of ever hearing her coach. Well, that was a little awkward! There were any number of ways I could have navigated that awkward moment, but something blocked me. As my mind searched for any memory I had of her and her coaching, only one memory was vivid: She once called me up, offered me an interesting opportunity to teach coaching in a college, and said lots of nice, schmoozy things about how I was such a great coach and trainer and she knew I was the right person for the job, which basically involved coaching eight hours per day, at a college that was three hours away. The pay? $100 per day!! I don't consider myself to be thin skinned, but yes, I was insulted. It would have been better if she had asked me to volunteer for free. Not surprisingly, she dropped the SCM course in a huff, before it was over. That's the kind of thing people do when they want you to acknowledge them and you don't do it. She also said some pretty nasty things about me and my training ability in an email. **And then, right on time, I opened an email from a coach I really admire.** It began with a quote from Maya Angelou:  *“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."* **The takeaway? Schmoozers schmooze.** They can't be trusted, much less deliver great coaching, because great isn't fake. **Of course, nobody has to be a schmoozer for life.** I've caught myself being fake, and try to remember it when schmoozy folks cross my path. Like the time I got an email from a coach I didn't like and forwarded it to a friend with a snarky comment. Then I saw the disliked coach at a coaching function. He offered a hug, so I hugged him. The next day, he emailed me. I'd hit, 'reply' instead of 'forward', so he got the snarky comment, instead of my friend! How fake was that to criticize him in private, then hug him in public? That memory is an embarrassing reminder that I'm still a work in progress, like everybody else. I've used it to upgrade my own behavior. **But once again, Maya Angelou says it best:** *“I've learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”* **If you're going to validate, acknowledge, or champion, do it because that's who you are and it's what you really believe.** Otherwise, you may succeed at making someone feel good at first, but your behavior will give you away, and the contrast will make your judgmental behavior even uglier to the other person. That feels yucky and that's how they'll always remember you. **How do you become someone who champions just because that's who you are, and not because you're manipulative?** Like anything else, practice. Get a coach. And work tirelessly on your personal development. Learn to get your ego out of the way and trust the process.  **Otherwise, you may be remembered as a schmoozer.** Get coach training and personal development here: [![Join the Ultimate Coach Training Program](https://no-cache.hubspot.com/cta/default/41761/b93335be-c1ff-4299-8833-b2a2d6fada87.png)](https://cta-redirect.hubspot.com/cta/redirect/41761/b93335be-c1ff-4299-8833-b2a2d6fada87) 4 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/108938/Coaching-Tip-When-Validation-and-Acknowledgment-Backfire#comments-listing) Topics: [Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching), [Coaching Groundwork](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-groundwork), [Thomas Leonard](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/thomas-leonard), [Mattison Grey](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/mattison-grey), [Coaching Tip](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-tip), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment) ## [6 Ideas That'll Change Your Coaching and Your Life](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/97390/6-Ideas-That-ll-Change-Your-Coaching-and-Your-Life) [Posted by Julia Stewart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/julia-stewart) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ![Positivity Ratio](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/file-46876822-jpg/images/11p_over_1n.jpg)**I'm always looking for new ideas that'll upgrade, broaden, or deepen my coaching, so it's more effective.** You too? Then you'll love this post. It's a challenge to keep readers like you, well...challenged. You're a pretty sophisticated bunch. **But here goes:** some of the best ideas I've encountered, which ultimately changed my life and the way I coach and may change your life and coaching too.   **1. The Power of Negativity.** This first one is possibly the most powerful idea to come out of [positive psychology](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/90667/What-is-Positive-Psychology-Coaching-Anyway). It's the concept of the Positivity Ratio and the upper limit of positivity, which can be measured as both positive thoughts and feelings, as well as whether you're curious or defending your point of view, and/or focused on yourself or on those around you. To flourish, you, your relationship, your business, or your coaching, needs at least a three-to-one ratio of positivity to negativity. AND there's an upward limit around eleven-to-one, beyond which things go down fast. So, if you're a [Law of Attraction Nazi](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/27263/Dear-Coach-What-if-the-Law-of-Attraction-DOESN-T-Work), or if you focus only on the good stuff in coaching, stepping over the problematic stuff, or if you relentlessly reframe problems into opportunities, or (as one of my clients famously put it) FLO's (F\*cking Learning Opportunities), you may hinder, rather than help your clients. ([Read Barbara Fredrickson's Positivity](http://www.positivityratio.com/).) **2. The Tyranny of Mild Praise.** This one also comes from positive psychology and it's about relationships. Let's face it, the relationship between coach and client does much of the coaching for us. Therefore, the concept called, [Active Constructive Responding (ACR)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrkgJbgnFIs), is critical. What is ACR? It's an over-the-top form of acknowledgment that includes positive tone of voice (genuine excitement, awe, wonder), positive body language (smiling, eye contact, touching), repeating the specifics of what the other has said, commenting on it's importance to the other, suggesting a celebration; all of which leads to flourishing within the relationship. NONE of the other types of responses, including Passive Constructive Responding (Flat tone of voice, general praise, "That's nice."), Passive Destructive Responding (ignoring, changing the subject, turning away), or Active Negative Responding (showing concern, pointing out problems); I repeat, none of these promote relationships. In fact they ALL have a negative impact on relationships, which obviously can negatively impact coaching. I've listened to thousands of coaching sessions over the years. Even "good" coaches tend to rely heavily on Passive Constructive Response, or a hybrid of ACR and PCR, which  clearly limits the value of their coaching. ACR can be a challenge to weave into coaching and for some of us, it's a challenge to make it truly genuine, but master coaches do it all the time. For others, over-using ACR (see above) damages our credibility. This is a tool that we can't afford not to master. ([Read Martin Seligman's Flourish](http://www.amazon.com/Flourish-Visionary-Understanding-Happiness-Well-being-ebook/dp/B0043RSK9O).) **3. Change Your Brain to Change Your Mind.** This one comes from neuroscience and it has profound implications for [positive psychology coaches](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/positive-psychology-coaches/), as well as every other type of coach. As [members of my positive psychology course](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/positive-psychology-certificate/) know, the Positivity Ratio can be used to measure and increase your current potential for flourishing and it'sa nifty coaching tool. There are also tools, founded in modern neuroscience, that can change the brain to sustainably increase peace, happiness, love and other elements of positivity. Literally, you can grow some areas of your brain so that they become more dominant, relatively permanently. And over-developed areas that may be problematic (such as the over-sized amygdala of those who suffer from anxiety) can shrink, again causing sustainable change. Change your brain; change your life for good. I just took a neuroscience seminar on this, but you can read more about it. ([Read Rick Hanson's Buddha's Brain](https://www.rickhanson.net/writings/books/buddhas-brain/).) **4. Coaching's Not Complete If It's Not Integral.** I'm taking a course from [Integral Philospher, Ken Wilber](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Wilber). Some people say he's the most important philosopher since Plato, but that statement begs an argument, so I won't say it. Suffice it to say, if you don't know his work, your evolution may be stymied. And that of your clients, as well. As coaches, we say our clients are whole, complete and perfect. Trouble is, we may be blind to some of that perfection. And our clients almost certainly are. Blind spots make trouble (see #5, below). Wilber's Integral Model, known as AQAL, is an elegant map that streamlines how we know anything and how we evolve. It's closely aligned with [Spiral Dynamics](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/spiral-dynamics-coaching/), which I'll be teaching next month. But AQAL goes even further. The AQAL Map is a beautiful tool to use when helping our clients design accountability structures, supportive systems, environments and strategic habitats (or whatever you prefer to call them). With AQAL, we can easily see if we're leaving anything out, or if the client is blind to some aspects of reality (almost everybody is). Plus, we have an evolutionary framework. It makes the complex simple, when you understand it. I'll be teaching an introductory course on integral coaching soon, but start reading books on Integral Theory now. ([Read Wilber's simplest book, Integral Vision](http://www.amazon.com/The-Integral-Vision-Introduction-Revolutionary/dp/1590304756).) **5. All Coaching is Shadow Coaching - Or Should Be.** My first lesson from [Zen Master, Genpo Roshi](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genpo_Merzel_Roshi), included a joke - on us. To paraphrase, he said (with a laugh), evolved people like to say they're whole, complete and perfect, except the parts they don't like about themselves. But you can't be complete without all of it! So what parts of yourself don't you like? The part that overeats? The part that's naive? The part that gets tongue-tied at parties? It's not those parts that keep you fragmented, it's the fact that you try to disown them. Then they become blind spots, which grow into shadows, which undermine and sabotage you. That's what fragmentation really is. For many people, the first step toward wholeness is integration of the parts they formerly disliked. That's the underlying cause of stuckness and it keeps coming back until all aspects of the self are integrated (or Integral). Some people are so fragmented that they lose the ability to choose wholeness. That's what is known as mental illness and I'm not suggesting that shadow coaching can cure that. But even healthy people have shadows and we can choose to integrate them with assistance from a skilled coach.  I use this approach in my [Great Self Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/great-self-coaching-group/). Genpo Roshi is incredibly masterful at it from a Zen perspective. ([Read Genpo Roshi's Big Mind/Big Heart](http://bigmind.org/the-big-mind-book-by-genpo-roshi-no-sale).) **6. Your Business Model May Be Too Infantile to Last.** I've also been studying Adizes Management Methodology of late. [Ichak Adizes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ichak_Adizes) is a legendary management consultant who deftly identified several different stages of a business life cycle. His theory explains, among other things, why the US Government is floundering these days (no, it has nothing to do with Republicans vs. Democrats). One thing that strikes me about it is that most coaches base their businesses on one of three early-stage levels and expect their businesses to continue at that stage forever. It won't happen. I'm happy to say, I saw this even before I studied Adizes and I'm ready for it. I'll write more at length on how you can design your business to last in a future post. But this issue could explain why our industry is so successful, but some coaches never enjoy that success. (Read Ichak Adizes' Corporate life cycles) **We all have access to too much information these days.** But there really is no substitution for knowing the right stuff. 6 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/97390/6-Ideas-That-ll-Change-Your-Coaching-and-Your-Life#comments-listing) Topics: [coaching business](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-business), [Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching), [Coaches](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaches), [Law of Attraction](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/law-of-attraction), [master coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/master-coach), [Great Self Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/great-self-coaching), [Spiral Dynamics](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/spiral-dynamics), [Ken Wilber](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/ken-wilber), [Genpo Roshi](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/genpo-roshi), [Big Mind Big Heart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/big-mind-big-heart), [Integral Philosophy](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/integral-philosophy), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment), [coaching tool](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-tool), [Positive Psychology](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/positive-psychology), [Martin Seligman](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/martin-seligman) ## [Coaching Questions Don't Always End With Question Marks](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/84712/Coaching-Questions-Don-t-Always-End-With-Question-Marks) [Posted by Julia Stewart](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/author/julia-stewart) - [Tweet](https://twitter.com/share) ### [![Business Coach, Mattison Grey, MCC](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/file-14053197-jpg/images/mattison_grey_2.jpg)](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/mattison-grey-mcc/)Today, in the International Association of Coaching's (IAC) [Voice](http://certifiedcoachblog.typepad.com/) newletter/blog, an article by [Business Coach, Mattison Grey, MCC,](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/mattison-grey-mcc/) appeared with the title, [When the Best Coaching Tool Isn't a Question](http://certifiedcoachblog.typepad.com/blog/2012/04/when-the-best-coaching-tool-isnt-a-question.html). **In her article, Mattison makes a powerful case for acknowledgment as a masterful coaching tool.** She should know. Mattison wrote the book on acknowledgment called, [The Motivation Myth](http://www.mattisongrey.com/the-motivation-myth/). And she points out that most coaches don't know what it is or confuse it with something else. **Mattison has studied the art of acknowledgment more than anyone I know, probably more than any coach alive, so I always defer to her on this subject.** She started educating me on acknowledgment six or seven years ago and I've watched her use it in action many times. It truly is amazing. **Unfortunately, if you haven't watched a master acknowledger practice her art, or if you didn't know what you were witnessing, you probably missed the implications.** So let me point out a few. **Here's Mattison's definition of acknowledgment:** ### Acknowledgment is saying what a person did, or results they achieved, delivered with a tone of appreciation, curiosity or surprise, and without judgment. **Easy, right?** Try it. For most coaches, it's anything but easy. That's because we're still getting in the client's way (In other words, we're NOT making it all about them, so we're failing the first step in master coaching). **If you acknowledge well, here are some of the things that may happen:** - Your client lights up - They feel seen/heard - They don't feel suspicious (as in, 'What's she buttering me up for?') - They acknowledge themselves ('I did!') - They open up to us - They see themselves in a new light - They tell us things we didn't even know to ask about - They think more resourcefully - They step into their Personal Greatness - They are willing to do far more - They love themselves (and us) **When I teach acknowledgment to [Master Coach Training](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/master-coaching-training/) students, I offer a few pointers,** such as, use second-person pronouns (you, your, yours) instead of first-person pronouns (I, me, mine); acknowledge what the client did, the results they got and who they are becoming. **When used well, acknowledgment can express or enhance virtually any other coaching skill, including all of the IAC Coaching Masteries(tm)**. The right acknowledgment, well-placed and followed by a bit of silence, can even be a powerful clarifier. **Which is one reason why master coaches don't always ask questions.** ### [![Motivation Myth](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/hs-fs/file-14053360-jpg/images/motivation_myth.jpg)](http://greystore.corecommerce.com/cart.php?m=affiliate_go&affiliateID=b919149445686f559f3a3ab6b9f8022a&go=http://greystore.corecommerce.com/The-Motivation-Myth-Book.html) ### ### [Get your copy of Mattison's book, The Motivation Myth (at left) and become a master of acknowledgment.\*](http://www.mattisongrey.com/the-motivation-myth/) \*I'm an affiliate of Mattison's and I would recommend this book, anyway. 11 Comments [Click here to read/write comments](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/bid/84712/Coaching-Questions-Don-t-Always-End-With-Question-Marks#comments-listing) Topics: [business coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/business-coach), [Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching), [blog](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/blog), [Become a Master Coach](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/become-a-master-coach), [coaching questions](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-questions), [Mattison Grey](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/mattison-grey), [Masterful Coaching](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/masterful-coaching), [acknowledgment](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/acknowledgment), [MCC](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/mcc), [Master Coach Training](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/master-coach-training), [IAC](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/iac), [coaching tool](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/topic/coaching-tool) [All posts](https://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/coaching-blog/all) ### Subscribe for FREE: Learn About Coaching ### Follow Us ### The Coaching Blog **If you're a professional Business or Life Coach or you're interested in becoming one, the SCM Coaching Blog covers topics you may want to know about:** How to Become a Business or Life Coach, Grow a Successful Coaching Business, Get Coach Training and/or Business and Life Coach Certification, Become a Coaching Master and Evolve Your Life and Business.  Subscribe above and/or explore by tag, month or article popularity, below. ### Latest Posts ### Most Popular Posts ### Browse by Tag - 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